Audio transcript for those who might need it:
[The video is played by one man playing three roles. The man has brown hair that kinda bobs above his head, a moderately thick mustache, and a thin beard that reaches from ear to ear. He is wearing a black t-shirt with a slight v-neck. When the man voices Shazam, he makes his voice sound noticeably younger and higher-pitched; when playing Superman and Batman, his voice is deeper and sounds likely to be his normal voice. When playing Batman, he tends to talk without the usual pause between sentences.]
Shazam: Okay, and you guys promise you’re not gonna freak out?
Superman: Shazam, I’ve died on more than one occasion. No matter what you show us, I’m not gonna freak out.
Batman: Yeah, and I’m like, the walking definition of trauma, so I think you’re good, man.
Shazam: Okay, I think I just need to- I think I just need to be honest with you guys.
Superman: Honest how?
Batman: I’m Batman, I know everything, no matter what you say, it’s not going to surprise me.
Shazam: Okay… SHAZAM.
[stereotypical lightning noises]
Shazam: My, uh… my real name’s Billy Batson and I’m eleven years old.
[stunned silence from Superman and Batman]
Batman: [clicks tongue] Would you believe me if I told you I knew that?
Superman: Seeing as you haven’t tried to adopt him yet, no.
Batman: That is… an amazing point, actually, say, how many parents have you got?
Superman: [sounding offended] BRUCE!
Shazam: Actually, I’m an orphan.
Batman: DIBS, I call dibs, where’s the Bat-phone?
Superman: You’re not taking another Robin!
Batman: I’m sorry, do you want him?
Superman: That’s not an excuse.
Batman: [extra emphasis on each word] Do You Want Him?
Shazam: I’m very confused. What’s happening right now-?
Batman: I’m not hearing a yes and I called dibs and I’m improving your situation, kid, Alfred, call the guy!
Superman: Put the fucking phone dow- Who did this to you, Billy?
Shazam: Uhh, some old dude in a cave.
Batman: See, he has an old guy in a cave too! And he has the red and he has the black hair, he’s practically already a Robin!
Superman: You have a fucking problem.
(via lurkerviolin)